Hai, aku kembali.

Oh, hai !

Bukan untuk mengecewakan, apatah lagi untuk memilih tidak keluar dari norma. Depresi- seiiring label yang lain adalah delusional. Buddha sesekali pernah berkata "The mind is maya" - maka adanya, apa lagi hendaknya.

Bicara hanyalah kata-kata hampas, kenyang isi melantak makanan segera namun aku masih disini. Cuba aku berkali kali menuang sebaldi air ke daun keladi- percaya aku pasti akhirnya ada sisa di dinding dinding.

Aku masih disini penuh harapan.

Lemas aku di lautan menggapai nafas, gerak perlahan mengatur langkah andai tersadung tidak lagi terhantuk. Mula aku membujur perjalanan mengharap tidak patah di lintangan.

Aku masih disini mencari.

For now, i guess??

Aku tahu aku dah lama tak update blog aku ni. Aku macam hilang rasa untuk sambung blog ni sebenarnya. Menulis ni bagi aku ialah perasaan demi perasaan dan selalunya aku akan melayang dibawa perasaan ini ke satu dearah yang aku saja yang tahu. Lama kelamaan, perasaan aku makin mengikis. Bau yang busuk aku rasa jadi makin busuk. Pandangan yang tak manis pula, menjadi makin buruk.

Dan aku juga mula fikir, bisakah yang busuk itu jadi wangi semula? Yang buruk itu mampukah cantik kembali? Adakah keadaan kita sekarang ini ibarat perahu yang terlajak atau kah ia seperti terlajak kata-kata yang tidak mungkin kembali seperti sediakala?

Ini bukan kata-kata orang patah semangat tetapi ini kata-kata aku yang barangkali harus mencari cara lain untuk meneruskan perjuangan.

Too all the haters, the lovers, the non believers, the believers - Thank you for reading.

I will be all around in the dark.

Alas,
Afifah.

Sakit Bontot

Lebih sebulan lepas, aku kena sakit otot bahagian punggung dan belakang. Tak serius, tapi sakit nak mampus. Dua hari pertama, aku tak boleh berjalan. nasib aku baik sakit tu tak berlanjutan. 

Anyway, memandang aku baru selesai basuh baju dan ada banyak masa aku tetiba rasa nak menulis. So aku nak consider GE14 yang aku tak berkesempatan untuk tulis. 

GE14 banyak teori. Kebanyakannya salah. Ini salah satu teori yang terbukti salah.

Pada malam Dr M angkat sumpah sebagai PM ketujuh Malaysia, ada beberapa member aku (sebenarnya, sorang je - Mel) yang asyik tengok CCTV Subang Airport takut Najib dan Rosmah nak melarikan diri ke Jakarta.

Dia buat camtu sebab ada orang leak Najib dan Rosmah dah tempah private jet nak ke sana.

Aku cakap kat dia supaya dia pergi tido, sebab Dr M macam 12 langkah ke depan dalam game ni.

So teori aku pada masa itu ialah, Dr M dah renovate satu kawasan kat Langkawi supaya menyerupai Jakarta Timur. Bila jet Najib berlepas, dia akan buat u-turn dan pergi mendarat kat Langkawi.

Najib dan Rosmah akan disambut oleh pelakon-pelakon Istana Budaya dan Aswara yang boleh menggunakan Bahasa Indonesia. Yang tak boleh, akan berlakon bisu.

Pelakon: Selamat datang ya, bapak Najib, ibu Rosmah.

Najib: Sekejapnya flight tadi?

Pelakon: Mungkin bapak tertidur sebab kepenatan. Mari saya pandu ke kamarnya.

And then Najib and Rosmah would check in and then taken to a restaurant - Waroeng Ayam Penyet AP.

Pelakon: Enak ya pak?

Najib: Enak...

Rosmah: Errrm...

Pelakon: Iya, ibu?

Rosmah: Itu... tugu apa ya?

Rosmah points to a statue of an eagle.

Pelakon: Oh, itu namanya burung Garuda, burung penuh kesaktian budaya kami.

Najib: Ohh... Garuda...

Sementara itu, semua ini dipantau dalam sebuah bilik hotel di sebelah bilik Najib dan Rosmah. Di dalam bilik itu, Dr M sedang duduk sambil menutup mulutnya, menahan ketawa.

Even Angels Cry

Mana mungkin boleh aku tundukkan
Walhal sendiri sedang terduduk.

Mana mungkin aku angkatkan
Sedangkan tangan lagi bersimpul.

Masakkan hati, lidah lagi tergigit
Apatah lagi mendengus.

Sesekali terbang sayup menjenguk
Yang mana tidak mungkin ditoleh semula.

Senyumanku hanya sekali imbas,
Bicaraku berbekalkan saat,
Tubuh badanku dihampaskan.

Tapi aku tetap selamanya.

-afifahsukor-

Reverie

I suffer from some form of anxiety. Social, perhaps. Paranoia, definitely. I have a distinct aversion to anyone trying to mess with my brain or manipulate me. My response mechanism over the years is, once exposing the manipulation attempts, is to destroy everything.

This stems from my own insecurities about my intelligence that has manifested in me working very hard all my life to remain smarter than everyone else. And I am. I am the Greatest Mind of the 21st Century.

This is why it is difficult for me to form attachments with people, because most people have insecurities and trust issues that compel them to try and control other people through whatever way. 

I have spent most of my life now, understanding people and what I have uncovered validates my misanthrope.

I also keep a very small circle of friends - people I deem as more sincere and secure than others.

I'm still a chronic approval-seeker. My anxiety issues compelled me to not consume food. When people kept saying their admiration towards my physical features, there's thousands secrets that they didn't know. 

The struggles, the fear.

I cant stand straight for a long period of time for my energy is un-counterpart with my external activities. I cant take a bath without hot water early in the morning as it would sting through my bones.

I deal with these things on a daily basis. I wake up and I tune my mind. It's not easy, but it's not impossible either.

I want to be brave, I long for strength. I fight so hard so that my parents wont be sick ass worried about my well-being.

I hate sympathy, and i hate those who makes fun about it. I hope one day you'll know how it feel and simply die.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have several writings to focus on. Not for my depression, because I am the best at what I do. I do not attach my sense of self to these things.

what does it feel to see a clear blue sky?

while your eyes remain closed embroidered.

while her eyes closed, she reminisced. 

sipping air while her lips remains untouched

seconds and her teeth starts to ramble.

her heads up high, and her eyes closed.

"what is there left for me"

-afifah sukor-

Shit That Never Ends

They say many things. They say that how you treat others reveal a lot about yourself. I find this to be true.

People who want to threaten other people often try to scare them with what they themselves are most scared of. Physical violence. Financial ruin. Public humiliation. Depending on what they threaten others with, reveals what he or she is most afraid of, most of the time.

People like me, that always conscious and paranoid of others psycho-analysing them, would always give false trails.

They also said that in order for you to not be angry or irritated at people, you have to understand them. Look at things from their eyes, from inside their heads, their souls.

For years - decades now - I have always been annoyed by people who try to get you to seek their approval.

These primitives use a tired and popular technique - they lambast or put down whatever you're doing, focusing on how what they think of the issue or subject at hand is paramount to whatever is supposedly desired by the target.

Consider a subject - Lisa - studying ballet, doing an arabesque perfectly. In comes Maya who proclaims, "I will only acknowledge you as a dance genius if you could do a grand jete perfectly!"

This is extremely stupid, because while executing an arabesque perfectly is nothing, so is a jete. And doing both will not make one a dance genius.

What we can see from this exchange is Maya, trying to dominate the relationship between her and Lisa by positioning her approval and acknowledgement as the main goal for Lisa. This is Maya inflating the value of her views and approval on Lisa's own self-image and whatever else.

I am not a trained psychopath, so I have no idea what this is called. I just know that it is an extremely primitive and basic attempt at manipulation.

If we study Maya's motivations, it could be caused by any number of things.

For one, Maya could be Lisa's trainer so it is true that Lisa should probably listen to her words and try to do a grand jete as per her teacher's instructions. Lisa must remember that her sense of self-worth should not be tied to anything Maya says or thinks, despite whatever relationship they have.

Another possibility is that Maya could be trying to compete with Lisa for a role, the attentions of an ambiguously gay man, food or shelter. Her primitive brain started competing with Lisa on all levels, until her mouth simply blurted out what was in her brain.

Lisa could want Maya's approval, or she could be totally oblivious to Maya's views. That is her choice.

This is all fascinating to me. How insecurities are infectious and the only way to survive and not allow the insecurities to infect your soul, is to stand there and allow the ego size fluctuation to pass.

Yes. The answer is to not have any reaction whatsoever.

The primitives will try again and again. But while energy and time are limited to all physical bodies, space - which is what you are when you remove yourself from the equation - is vast and infinite.

Pekak

Plan aku untuk menonton pekak di pawagam bersama kekasih tidak terlaksana disebabkan tempoh filem tu ditayangkan hanya untuk masa yang entah kenapa sekejap dan buat aku ralat gila. Lepas sebulan filem tu keluar baru aku dapat menikmati atas belas ehsan kekasih mencari dengan tulang tiga keratnya.

Pekak juga bukan filem tempatan terbaik yang aku pernah tonton tapi mungkin terbaik tahun ini. Dia ada beberapa benda yang aku suka, dan beberapa benda yang aku tak suka. Yang penting, aku lagi suka filem ni daripada Suicide Squad mahupun Legend of Tarzan, walaupun dua-dua filem ni ada Margot Robbie yang aku kira penanda aras kecantikan wanita zaman ini.

Jadi, aku rasa nak tulis review. Atau ulasan. Kita pakai ulasan la ya?

Pekak mengisahkan Uda - seorang mamat pekak yang juga pengedar dadah industri kecil dan tak sederhana. Dia tertawan dan menawan (seperti dalam lagu Impressions) dengan Dara - seorang gadis yeng memberontak daripada kongkongan bapanya. Bapak Dara terlalu mengongkong dan mendera anaknya secara fizikal dan mental sambil memaki ibu Dara. Aku suka dinamik bapak Dara dan Dara dan TERIMA KASIH sebab tak selesaikan SANGAT hubungan bermasalah ini.  Pada akhirnya, Bapak Dara nampak menyesal, tapi takde babak dia menangis mintak maaf kat anak dia selepas anak dia confront orang tua tu.

Kalau kehidupan sebenar, memang biasa orang yang buat salah kat kau takde babak confrontation yang memuaskan atau dapat hukuman setimpal. Akhirnya, sama ada orang jahat terlepas atau kau pergi mampus dulu, menjadikan dosanya pada kau tak berbalas sebab dunia memang tak adil sangat.

Dara menjadi sasaran Kamil yang berkawan dengan Azman Picasso yang sering beromen dengan Melor. Sasaran maksudnya Kamil nak romen Dara.

Sementara itu, Uda tengah kumpul duit nak bedah letak implan koklear supaya dia boleh mendengar semula. Aku suka efek dia mengumpul duit dengan kaunter yang sentiasa dikemaskini di layar. Dan kalau kau fikir filem biasa, ini maknanya Uda akan kena rompak atau duit dia hilang dalam Second Act. Tapi tak. Ini bagus sebab bukan apa yang aku expect.

Tapi ada juga benda aku expect yang takde, yang bagi aku mengurangkan kebagusan filem ni. Antaranya ialah babak Joe Flizzow ajar Uda berjalan yang takde concern langsung dengan plot melainkan bagi ko gelak dan suka sikit kat Joe sebelum dia jadi douchebag later. Juga setup finale bila Melor confront Azman yang bagi aku tak masuk akal.

Juga tak bagus sangat - babak parti kat rumah Kamil yang tak best sangat dan tak dipendekkan. Ya lah, kita negara Islam, masyarakat yang bersopan, Mana nak parti macam American Pie atau Eyes Wide Shut atau filem Havoc lakonan Anne Hathaway yang agak sama dalam beberapa segi dengan Pekak.

Tapi babak last bila Uda duduk depan keretapi memang best. Filem ni mungkin nak build up ke babak ni, bila Uda dapat apa dia nak, tapi dia dah taknak.

Seperti tulisan Neil Gaiman - Dewa Semua Penulis - 'the price of getting what you want is getting what you once wanted'. Maksud dia, bila kita dapat apa kita nak, itu bukan lagi apa yang kita nak, tetapi sesuatu yang kita pernah nak pada masa dulu.

Ini antara babak paling bagus dalam Pekak. Tapi build up dia sedikit rapuh. Ada sesuatu yang terjadi dengan third act yang sedikit merosakkan filem ini, bagi aku.


Antaranya ialah terlepas peluang menjadikan cerita cinta dua dunia yang klise tapi mungkin ini yang sesetengah orang mahukan. Berani ko tak bagi apa yang orang nak? Bagus!

So Uda dan Dara yang bukan Muzikal Uda dan Dara yang menjurus kepada West Side Story. Sebab walaupun ada dua dunia - dunia orang lengkap pancaindera dan dunia orang pekak - benda ni tak diketengahkan sangat. ADA, tapi tak dijadikan salah satu point cerita sangat, yang bagi aku satu peluang yang terlepas.

Bukan takde. Ada. Contohnya bila salah satu point cerita ialah mesej voice mail dalam telefon Uda yang hanya boleh difahami oleh orang yang boleh mendengar.

Tapi bila dibandingkan dengan siri Aishiteiru to Ittekure (1995) lakonan Takako Tokiwa dan Toyokawa Etsushi, drama TV Jepun ni lagi feel jurang komunikasi dia dan juga lebih mantap hubungan visual serta sentuhan antara dua manusia.

Sebab walaupun dengan deria lengkap, aku rasa semua manusia pernah rasa macam kau pekak atau bisu atau buta dan susah nak menyentuh jiwa orang lain, terutama orang yang kau sayang. Inilah sebab manusia cipta puisi, lagu, tulisan prosa, lukisan, dan semua jenis seni. Seni ialah untuk komunikasi. Untuk menyampaikan apa yang tak tersampai dengan cara biasa.

Peluang yang terlepas, bagi aku, ialah untuk melihat apa jenis luahan seni yang melampaui tuturkata antara dua orang kekasih. Susah la. Tapi satu sasaran yang ada dan pernah dicapai oleh karya lain.

Apa pun, persembahan Zahiril Adzim sebagai Uda dan Sharifah Amani sebagai Dara memang bagus. Zahiril memang berjaya emote banyak benda tanpa dialog. Aku kalau tulis skrip kekadang menyampah kalau pelakon mintak line dialog lebih sebab nak cover diorang takleh berlakon tanpa dialog. So bila Zahiril buktikan ko boleh berlakon takyah dialog, dan jadi, memang bagus lah.

Sharifah Amani, aku risau sebab kalau dia jadi Orked lagi sekali memang akan jadi annoying. Bagi aku, Dara bukan Orked so aku rasa dia dalam trajektori yang okay dengan watak gadis murung dalam Pesiko Pencuri Hati dan Dara dalam Pekak yang bukan Orked.

Chemistry antara Uda dan Dara sedikit... kurang. Bukan teruk, tapi kurang. Dia macam ko lupa letak serai or something. Dia okay la, tapi intensity kurang.

Amerul Effendi menari di bibir jurang antara persembahan yang hebat dan villain gaya Sofi Jikan. Sofi Jikan main watak macam ni, dia biasanya akan push sampai extreme dengan sengaja and it works for whatever movie yang dia buat. Amerul berjaya bawa watak Azman Picasso dengan baik dengan watak yang juga berubah antara si pelawak yang bodoh-bodoh alang dan kejahatan yang tidak dapat ditahan.

Aku suka cerita ini bila orang baik tak dapat balasan baik... sangat. Orang jahat ... erm... aku lebih suka kalau tak jadi apa-apa. Secara asasnya, dunia ini menyeksakan, dan kemudian kau mampus dan takde sapa peduli sebab semua orang kisah pada diri sendiri. Ini realiti kehidupan. Kalau kau ada kawan-kawan yang berhati mulia, cherish them because the world is a cold and dark place and we only have each other to keep ourselves warm.

Aku suka ending last Pekak tapi seperti yang aku tulis tadi, build up dia sedikit pincang terutama dalam Third Act.

Satu karya yang tidak sempurna, tetapi filem yang sempurna hanyalah Babe. Secara keseluruhan, Pekak membawa penonton ke dunia gelap yang menjadi kian kelam, dan bila kau tak dapat meneka apa yang bakal terjadi, mungkin kau akan rasa terhibur atau kau rasa macam nak tengok cerita jiwang Jepun yang digunakan untuk jual kosmetik berperisa oren kat TV.

Daoko girl

Ive been loving and obsessed about this daoko girl. The idea itself is amazing and somehow, i could relate to it.

Dalam saat kau rasa kau dah beri yang terbaik dan andai kau mengharapkan sesuatu sebagai balasan atas perbuatan baik kau, kau masih asyik dibuai mimpi.

Realitinya, manusia takut akan kehilangan.

Sampai satu saat, kau tak boleh consider hati kau sahaja. Kau kena ingat, badan kau berkongsi. Bukan soal hati semata.

Kau ada otak? Otak kau macam mana?

Kau akan teruskan berlari sedangkan anggota lain dah meraung suruh berhenti. Penat, katanya. Atau mungkin, kerja sia sia? Siapa yang tahu?

Untuk beri peluang kepada yang sudah banyak kali menerima peluang tapi masih sia siakan dan perlukan peluang additional yang entah keberapa kali "terakhir" atau yang pernah mencuba tapi tak pernah diberi peluang gara gara otak deny benda tu, adalah sesuatu pilihan.

Pilihan bukan sesuatu yang seronok.

In the end, pasti outcome dia akan turn out tak best dan pasti akan ada yang sakit. Keputusan apa yang terbaik? Untuk kau? Untuk siapa?

Tak ada apa yang sempurna kerana apa yang sempurna tu mimpi.

Dalam saat kau tidak menghargai sesuatu atau melepaskan, sentiasa ada manusia yang mampu hargai dan inginkan lebih dari kau.

Kita tak akan perasan sampai lah satu saat, benda tu;

Hilang.

Dey Macha !

"Ane!" He shouted.
 
So his brother came.

I shouted, "Ane!" too. And soon, Ultraman Zopi, Ultraman Joe, Ultraman Taro, Ultraman Ace and Ultraman Tiga appeared. Along with Jackie Schroff who was confined to a rocking chair throughout this story. He's not the only guy who has anes.
 
They battled the ane monster. And they killed it.
 
So I wanted to get it on with the girl, but then her father showed up and declared her a shakti.
 
Enraged, I travelled through time and beat up Kublai Khan. Then I met Vijay Khan, who taught me Kalari Varma.


 

Bitch, Fuck you !

You know what? I am so cool.
 
I am so cool, my fart just now solved global warming.
 
I am so cool, the nitrogen in the air around my ass just turned liquid.
 
I am in awe of myself. I look up to me.
 
Good job, me. Hey, me. You're such a good-lookin' motherfucker, me. 

Dia Lelaki !

Haiiii!

Aku Adam, Putera Eternia. Dan pembela rahsia Istana Tengkorak Kelabu.

Dan ini Cringer, kawanku yang tidak mengenal erti takut.

Aku terdedah kuasa sihir yang hebat pada hari aku mengangkat pedangku dan berkata, "Demi kuasa Tengkorak Kelabu!"

"Akuuuuu adaaaa kuaaasaaaaa!!!"

Cringer menjadi Kucing Perang, dan aku menjadi Dia-Lelaki: lelaki paling berkuasa di alam semesta!

Tiga yang lain berkongsi rahsia ini.

Rakan kami, si Ahli Sihir Perempuan (yang hot nak mampus).

Lelaki-Di-Tangan,

Dan Orko.

Bersama-sama, kami melawan kuasa jahat Rangkor!

Dia-Lelaki! 

Lies

So I was fretted upon. They fussed over me, making sure I had fresh coasters for my orange juice  because I kept tearing them apart. Carlsberg or Tiger coasters, when they're wet, they can easily be picked with fingernails.

Anyway, we got into a conversation. I began telling the boy of my rambunctious exploits in the world of Malaysian cinema.

Me: And then I told the director that I thought the voice over was horrible... and later found out it was HIS voice!

He laughed. He then proceeded to tell me his story - about how he came from the village and got a job in KL and is now saving up for a trip to Europe.

Boy: I lie!

I fixed my gaze directly into his eyes. I hate liars and I was stunned as to why he would lie about going to Europe.

Me: I don't lie.

He looked perplexed.

The boy's lower lips were trembling as he said,

Boy: But I lie you! I lie you too mutt!

Me: Ah, I said. I like you too.

Sweet-less

Picking up the pieces from a life half-lived.
Shoving away the dropped dreams that lay
on the floor.
Pacing the room where you lied to yourself
again and again:
Ashamed, you close the door;
and you think to yourself,
that there could've,
should've been
much,
much more.

Evil That Lurks

Evil is comical, I must assure you.

I was dangled a lot of things in front of my face by people who think I desire anything. Jobs, pussy, money. They think I operate like they do. Like I don't know which hole they came from. Because I've been to that hole before.

My ego, of course, started jumping up and down.

"You DARE dangle anything in front of me? ME? The Greatest Mind of the 21st Century?"

But... it is correct to simply sit and see these performers jump from one leg to the next, thinking he's such a great intellect and how everyone is beneath him.

My ego sensed their egos and wanted to jump. This is my training, to sit down quietly. To not react.

In Pendekar Laut (Tigershark) comics published originally by Ocean Creative or whatever, Pai Zonan went to an asylum to train his patience.


I feel like Zonan, even though I have always hated that character. Sang Elektron - Tony Loy - was more my style. A man who took on the entire universe. He died, of course.

How To Negotiate

Here's what you need in order to negotiate properly:
 
1. Buddhism.

Leave any desire out the door. This means no expectations, no dreams, no goals. Let it all go. The opposing party would want to exploit any and all desires you have.
 
I realised that money is not everything and I mean that in the most non-cynical way. In fact, the greed or desire for money will make you lose money. Only when you allow money to come to you would you be able to make any significant financial progress.
 

2. Realise that you are not a slave and can walk away at any time

"You don't have to be nowhere forever" - Delirium, The Sandman Comics.

If things don't happen, or happen, the world will not stop spinning, and I mean that in the way galaxies spin or maybe the universe spins. I don't know that shit.
 

3. Finding true happiness is finding true wealth

If money or sex is no issue, and we have an over-abundance of food, then what is true wealth?
 
True wealth is time and happiness. The time to allow yourself to be happy. Happiness doesn't come from others or from things or from circumstances. Happiness is an absence of desire.
 
Let go of everything and be the wealthiest man alive. Or dead. Nobody cares. 

Kesedihan Pertama 2016

Isu-isu luar bandar lebih 'humble' dan realistik daripada idealisme melancap yang laku di bandar-bandar.
 
Persoalan orang luar bandar, sejak dahulu lagi - bolehkah mereka makan hari ini? Kalau ada ahli politik datang, apa yang mereka dapat?

Bukan semua orang kampung bodoh, sepertimana tak semua orang bandar pandai atau stylish. Ramai je orang bandar bodoh lepas tu pakai mekap untuk pergi parti mabuk tengah malam buta pada waktu tengahari terik, pastu cair macam pondan menangis sebab kalah Ratu Jambo.

Orang luar bandar juga tahu pasal delayed gratification - bersabar untuk kepentingan masa depan. 

Dalam erti kata lain, korang semua bodoh dan aku sorang pandai. Hidup aku! Hidup aku! Hidup aku!

Get The Fuck Out Of My Face

I am at an age where a lot of friends and acquaintances come to complain about their lives.

I have been collecting some stories, while I run away from other recurring ones.

If you have a sob story, and you repeat it - the same fucking story - 900 fucking times, get the fuck out of my face.

Basically, the general unhappiness of people from my generation right now is coming from unfulfilled expectations. A lot of my peers I find, in this impromptu, unscientific study, are unhappy because they thought, erroneously, that:

1. Getting married will end their loneliness

2. Having a house, car, etc will calm them down from any sort of anxiety.

3. That their parents will approve of them, if they follow THE PLAN.

Well:

1. Loneliness is a state of mind.

It is not a medical affliction. It is emotional. It is not physical. The reason why people are lonely stems from a feeling of inadequacy, lacking, longing.

Most people try to fill this desire with more people or things. This doesn't really work. Loneliness can only be cured by accepting loneliness. Accepting yourself.

You can and should enjoy your own company. This is why, people who are not lonely, who are okay with themselves, generally have more friends, know more people and have more fun.

Think about it. How can other people enjoy your company, when you don't enjoy your own?

I spent most of my years alone. Kids at school never really understood what I was saying most of the time. I was off in my own world. I learned to amuse myself. Whatever.

2. Material possessions are nice.

But they don't really make you happy.

For example, take a sports car. You want a sports car, or you can insert anything here. A house, a supermodel wife, a toyboy husband, an Iphone 6, 6,000 dollar shirts, status, positions within a company, blablabla. Anything you can ever desire.

Now, does owning a sports car directly makes you happy?

How?

A sports car makes me happy because _______.

And then:

________ makes me happy because ________.

Let me simulate one.

A sports car makes me happy because I can travel in style.

Travelling in style makes me happy because people will look at me and admire me.

Having people look at me and admire me makes me happy because I am an attention-seeking whore.

Ah yes, ALL desires and wants for material things stems from one of our archetypes, one of our personalities - the attention-whore.

In some people, this is all they are. They do everything, so they can look good, or better than other people. These are complete attention-whores.

Now, I am not saying that being an attention-whore is good or bad. But if you're an attention-whore, you're an attention-whore.

3. No one can approve of you.

No one can, and no one will.

Our society, our species, is extremely self-centered. Most people are obsessed about how they look to other people, without having the time or energy to care about how other people look. Can you see the irony?

They only care about how other people look, IN RELATION TO, how they look. 

Self-centered, ego-centric, insecure bitches - that's what we are.

So after accepting the fact that no one in the world can or will approve of you, actually eliminates a lot of worry.

Some sneaky fucktards will try to sneak in and try to convince you that their approval is worth it. No. Their approval means nothing, because they mean nothing. Not to you.

In each person's case, the most powerful person, is that person itself. Therefore the greatest, most powerful approval (or disapproval), is the one that the person can give to itself.

And Again, New Earth And SHIT

I've gone through many of these trendy personal training or New Age stuff. Been through Asiaworks, The Secret and eventually, the ultimate truth - A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle.

Of all these, Eckhart Tolle's teachings is the only one I find useful.

I mean, I tested The Secret by visualising getting a bag of stolen drug money in Thailand and after three days of extremely enjoyable holidaying, no bag of stolen drug money.

Asiaworks is great but the problem is how everything devolves into zealotry. Eckhart Tolle is the only one that is constantly useful, especially when facing extremely stressful situations. Especially when I encounter people who try to disprove these personal training or New Age stuff.

It's always there. People who go and try to prove that anything you care about, be it your religion, beliefs, superstitions, favourite music, films or anything in particular.

Tolle said it's like the situation when somebody says, "My car is big. I have a big car."

Another person might say, "My uncle's car is bigger." It doesn't matter if it's his uncle's or his teacher's or his sister's. The point is, by making someone less, then they believe they become bigger. This, is the ego. Trying to be bigger, as always.

The feeling to push others, even at least mentally, to be smaller, to show the faults and flaws in someone's beliefs or arguments or whatever, can either be totally emotionless and egoless (admittedly quite rare) or more commonly, driven by emotion and a sense of being more.

And at the end of it all, at the core of everything, there is no more or less when it comes to the self.

One Wish

If I was given a wish that will came true, i wouldnt ask much. I just wanted to be normal.

For all my life, things have never gotten easy. There's a downfall to every mountain that i tried to climb.

I tried to be one and like always, failed.

The idea of being perfect and normal had possessed me for years now. It felt like, you wanted to run but you carried a heavy weight that tied to your ankle. Even when you tried so hard to breath, you forgot that you are breathing underwater.

I never wanted to be this way nor asked to be this way.

And if and only if i had that one wish, my life would be at ease.