Get The Fuck Out Of My Face

I am at an age where a lot of friends and acquaintances come to complain about their lives.

I have been collecting some stories, while I run away from other recurring ones.

If you have a sob story, and you repeat it - the same fucking story - 900 fucking times, get the fuck out of my face.

Basically, the general unhappiness of people from my generation right now is coming from unfulfilled expectations. A lot of my peers I find, in this impromptu, unscientific study, are unhappy because they thought, erroneously, that:

1. Getting married will end their loneliness

2. Having a house, car, etc will calm them down from any sort of anxiety.

3. That their parents will approve of them, if they follow THE PLAN.

Well:

1. Loneliness is a state of mind.

It is not a medical affliction. It is emotional. It is not physical. The reason why people are lonely stems from a feeling of inadequacy, lacking, longing.

Most people try to fill this desire with more people or things. This doesn't really work. Loneliness can only be cured by accepting loneliness. Accepting yourself.

You can and should enjoy your own company. This is why, people who are not lonely, who are okay with themselves, generally have more friends, know more people and have more fun.

Think about it. How can other people enjoy your company, when you don't enjoy your own?

I spent most of my years alone. Kids at school never really understood what I was saying most of the time. I was off in my own world. I learned to amuse myself. Whatever.

2. Material possessions are nice.

But they don't really make you happy.

For example, take a sports car. You want a sports car, or you can insert anything here. A house, a supermodel wife, a toyboy husband, an Iphone 6, 6,000 dollar shirts, status, positions within a company, blablabla. Anything you can ever desire.

Now, does owning a sports car directly makes you happy?

How?

A sports car makes me happy because _______.

And then:

________ makes me happy because ________.

Let me simulate one.

A sports car makes me happy because I can travel in style.

Travelling in style makes me happy because people will look at me and admire me.

Having people look at me and admire me makes me happy because I am an attention-seeking whore.

Ah yes, ALL desires and wants for material things stems from one of our archetypes, one of our personalities - the attention-whore.

In some people, this is all they are. They do everything, so they can look good, or better than other people. These are complete attention-whores.

Now, I am not saying that being an attention-whore is good or bad. But if you're an attention-whore, you're an attention-whore.

3. No one can approve of you.

No one can, and no one will.

Our society, our species, is extremely self-centered. Most people are obsessed about how they look to other people, without having the time or energy to care about how other people look. Can you see the irony?

They only care about how other people look, IN RELATION TO, how they look. 

Self-centered, ego-centric, insecure bitches - that's what we are.

So after accepting the fact that no one in the world can or will approve of you, actually eliminates a lot of worry.

Some sneaky fucktards will try to sneak in and try to convince you that their approval is worth it. No. Their approval means nothing, because they mean nothing. Not to you.

In each person's case, the most powerful person, is that person itself. Therefore the greatest, most powerful approval (or disapproval), is the one that the person can give to itself.

And Again, New Earth And SHIT

I've gone through many of these trendy personal training or New Age stuff. Been through Asiaworks, The Secret and eventually, the ultimate truth - A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle.

Of all these, Eckhart Tolle's teachings is the only one I find useful.

I mean, I tested The Secret by visualising getting a bag of stolen drug money in Thailand and after three days of extremely enjoyable holidaying, no bag of stolen drug money.

Asiaworks is great but the problem is how everything devolves into zealotry. Eckhart Tolle is the only one that is constantly useful, especially when facing extremely stressful situations. Especially when I encounter people who try to disprove these personal training or New Age stuff.

It's always there. People who go and try to prove that anything you care about, be it your religion, beliefs, superstitions, favourite music, films or anything in particular.

Tolle said it's like the situation when somebody says, "My car is big. I have a big car."

Another person might say, "My uncle's car is bigger." It doesn't matter if it's his uncle's or his teacher's or his sister's. The point is, by making someone less, then they believe they become bigger. This, is the ego. Trying to be bigger, as always.

The feeling to push others, even at least mentally, to be smaller, to show the faults and flaws in someone's beliefs or arguments or whatever, can either be totally emotionless and egoless (admittedly quite rare) or more commonly, driven by emotion and a sense of being more.

And at the end of it all, at the core of everything, there is no more or less when it comes to the self.

One Wish

If I was given a wish that will came true, i wouldnt ask much. I just wanted to be normal.

For all my life, things have never gotten easy. There's a downfall to every mountain that i tried to climb.

I tried to be one and like always, failed.

The idea of being perfect and normal had possessed me for years now. It felt like, you wanted to run but you carried a heavy weight that tied to your ankle. Even when you tried so hard to breath, you forgot that you are breathing underwater.

I never wanted to be this way nor asked to be this way.

And if and only if i had that one wish, my life would be at ease.

I Am Everywhere

I've been listening to this a lot. 

Just for this while, its a food for my soul.

"Then it don't matter. I'll be all around in the dark - I'll be everywhere. Wherever you can look - wherever there's a fight, so hungry people can eat, I'll be there. Wherever there's a cop beatin' up a guy, I'll be there. I'll be in the way guys yell when they're mad. I'll be in the way kids laugh when they're hungry and they know supper's ready, and when the people are eatin' the stuff they raise and livin' in the houses they build - I'll be there, too." - Tom Joad; The Grapes of Wrath, John Steinbeck; 1939.

Circle-Jerking

You see, having a group of people around you and depending on them could also result in extremely bad things. The group, in an interest of survival, could rabidly defend its members, regardless of what they are defending. The individual ego is fortified by the group ego and individual common sense is often forfeited just for the strengthening of the image of the group.


I do not believe in families or groups. I recognize the benefits of separate entities pooling resources together to achieve a greater goal, but I do not subscribe to tribalism or circle-jerking. You know what a circle-jerk is? It's when all members of a group defends the actions of each other with no self-reflection or fairness. It is when false praise is heaped on each other just because one is in the same group.

Not to say I favour betrayals, which is to me the number one crime that can be committed by any human, but I believe that self-reflection and discarding the ego as well as image - both individual and as a group - to be vital in self-improvement.
In order to attain peace, one must embrace the truth. There is no truth in shallow circle-jerking groups.

I am not denying its power - whole nations are founded on circle-jerking as do profitable companies. It is simply something I personally do not prefer, as with all lies, it carries with it its own seed of destruction.

With lies, there can never be true happiness, which is a situation without want; an absence of want. Circle-jerking is founded on very strong desires - the desire to belong.

There can never be true happiness in circle-jerking each other.

My Mortal Fight.

 

Theres a lot of things i wanted to tell you. 

But i cant seems to get it out from my mind.  

Ive always been hoping and cling to god on how i wish i could be just like everyone else. My desire on being normal and to fit in. I wish i am normal. To felt anxious and fear is not fun. Having people to laugh at you when they see you tremble in fear is not funny at all. I could fake a smile. I could fake my laugh. But i can never fake my heart on how i felt.

Please dont make fun of me. Im not crazy. I'm so tired to fake my laugh and my smile. To hide my hands and legs when it starts to felt wrong. I just want it to stop. 

My Demon Inert

I needed the vacation. I developed anxiety issues in recent months and that manifested in several ways. 
 
A far cry from four packs a day, but I was frustrated that I got back to my old stressed out days.

Things start to go wrong, but like any gambler, you double down, hoping to make good on some losses. Smoking four packs a day, eating whatever, whenever.

My calmness was shattered. I began to allow myself to be affected by idiots again, by liars and pretenders. Motherfuckers all of them. Not worth a single hair on my ass.

Apparently, even while sitting down quietly and waiting, my energy was one of anxious anticipation. See, I like being smarter than everyone else, and to me, being smarter meant I could anticipate any and all moves, all the time, every time.

I run countless continuous simulations inside my head on how things will unfold. This is extremely useful, but I had begun incorporating it into my personal being and this easily becomes toxic.

Whenever you anticipate the outcomes of any situation, you will flag all the bad ones as well. In fact, you will focus more on the bad possibilities and come up with plans and contingencies for each separate bad possibility.

I have always been extremely lucky, but I am also never wrong whenever I anticipate the evil in humanity. I understand the evil that lurks in the hearts of men. And women. And things.

Alliances are made, and broken. The backstabbing, back-biting and blood-letting is silly because none of them are fighting for RM42 billion or even a RM42,000/month salary. It's pathetic and insulting. A lot of Malaysians do not live in gratitude. Tak sedar dek untung, cakap orang Melayu.

Meanwhile, in some of the seedier underbellies of global prostitution, there are people whose jobs it is to suck dicks every day. Their daily drama is 'can I suck enough dicks today to put food on the table?' and they're still very calm and happy.

Anyway, I managed to exhale and reset everything. As I began to see things from the perspective of the now and not the past or the future, I began to relax again.

One of the things that affected me with my anxiety was an outbreak of pompholyx on my hand. Pompholyx is a type of eczema that only affects the extremities such as fingers and toes. It got better and tonight, my hand is completely healed.

Evil people will continue to be evil and petty. I don't have to deal with their bullshit in any way shape or form. Fuck them and their entire family.

Shifting my focus from the future to the present solves my anxiety issues. The future does not happen except as the present, and rather than a million different possibilities, there is only one reality, one outcome, and it is always now.

Doesn't mean I have stopped planning or anticipating things, but I have separated my thinking self and my real self. I have the Greatest Mind of the 21st Century, but I am not my mind. This separation is vital in order to stay sane.

There are other things, of course, but I am taking care of myself first and ensuring my mental and emotional health are as good as my physical health.

A Little Hands For You

I immediately felt responsible, partly because everything is about me but largely due to the fact that I am such a great person who feels responsible all the time. I also felt guilty because I single-handedly made being cynical cool.

Blaming others simply give up power over ourselves to idiots. We all have more control over ourselves and our environment than we dare to admit. Because admitting it is accepting responsibility and our greatest sin is refusing to be accountable.

And what is so dangerous to own up to everything you've done - both good and bad?

So that others would not hate us? So that others would love us? Weak. Pathetic.

Edisi Pertapaan : Dunia Yang Jahanam

Jean-Paul Sartre atau Kiekergaard (betul ke eja ni? Pergi tanya AKAB) mengatakan bahawa 'Neraka ialah orang lain'.

Mungkin betul, tetapi mereka juga lupa yang dunia juga boleh menjadi neraka. 

Seperti dalam karya-karya noir, di mana bandar atau tempat berlakunya kisah itu boleh menjadi wataknya sendiri, dunia kita pun mampu mendokong watak dengan memakai topeng marah, topeng kejam dan topeng penipu. Topeng penipu ialah satu oxymoron yang lemah. Pasal kalau pakai topeng, mestilah menipu, kan? Mampuslah. Aku cuma nak pakai perkataan oxymoron supaya kelihatan bijak, cool dan popular. Dan kalau kau tak nampak ironinya di sini, kau boleh pergi mampus.

Dunia juga boleh menjadi neraka. Sekarang, kau ada beberapa pilihan, tetapi yang paling jelas ialah:

Berlutut di tengah hujan, menaikkan tangan ke langit sambil berkata, "KENAPA? KENAPAAA? KENAPAAAAAA???!!!"

Yep. Itu satu pilihan. Tapi hanya satu. Dari seribu.

Dalam bukunya A New Earth oleh Eckhart Tolle, dan disogok oleh Oprah Winfrey, ada dinyatakan yang semua ini berasal dari 'diri kita yang bukan diri kita', iaitu ego.

Satu kesedaran dalam diri yang ingin diiktiraf kewujudannya dengan menjadi emo. Menjadi mangsa. Menjadi orang teraniaya.

Kerana kalau kita teraniaya, kita jadi lebih mulia dari si penganiaya. Kita jadi lebih besar. Maaf, ego kita jadi lebih besar. Sebab kita BETUL. Dan mereka SALAH.

Dengarlah kata-kata aku senantiasa ingin menjadi betul, yang perjalanan hidup sebegini tiada penghujungnya dan seperti mana-mana cerita yang tiada penghujung.

Kau akan sentiasa berasa tidak puas.

Ingat, kau ada pilihan lain. Sentiasa ada pilihan lain.

Salah satunya ialah menerima keadaan ini. 

Keluarkan emosi dari formula dan persamaan. Apakah fakta-faktanya?

Boyfriend kau lari dengan jantan lain? Betina yang kau nak hanya mempergunakan kau untuk KELIHATAN bagus? Bapak kau rogol budak kecik? Milx curi duit kau?

Baik. Asingkan emosi. Berapa banyak Milx pinjam duit lepas tu taknak bayar balik? Best sangat ke girlfriend/boyfriend ko? Apakah fakta kes?

Fakta tiada emosi. Fakta dan kejadian tidak pernah beremosi. Hanya kita yang meletakkan emosi dan nilai emosi ke atasnya.

Kau rasa tak best, pasal kau sendiri yang meletakkan nilai 'rasa tak best' pada kejadian dan fakta tersebut.

Kau menjadikannya sesuatu yang umum menjadi peribadi. Satu serangan peribadi dari dunia kepada kau. Siapakah kau dalam hal ini? Diri yang kena 'serang'. Adakah diri kau yang sebenar? Atau ego?

Ya. Dunia memang jahanam. Dunia memang tak adil. Kalau dunia ni adil, aku dah jadi billionaire dah. Aku dah jadi superhero. 

Kenapa Tuhan suruh jadi macam lain la pulak? Kenapa Tuhan tak bagi ko jadi kaya. dan kalau kau kaya, adakah kau gembira sentiasa? Ya ke? Adakah Tuhan S&M freak?

Seperti kata-kata BlackBolt, ketua Inhumans yang tidak boleh berkata-kata kerana satu perkataan sahaja boleh memusnahkan dunia, 'Relaks'. Bertenang. Kau jerit sampai mati pun takde gunanya.

Terima hakikat yang dunia ni kadang-kadang jahanam. Kadang-kadang memang pukimak. Ada ramai orang yang nak gunakan kau. Ada ramai lagi yang berpura-pura, dan mereka sebahagian dunia yang bak neraka di muka bumi.

Tanpa emosi, kau terima kenyataan.

Kemudian, kau fikir apa yang ada. Apa pilihan kau. Apa sumber yang ada yang boleh kau gunakan. Mula merancang. Tapi jangan abaikan apa yang kau ada sekarang.

Kesilapan kebanyakan orang ialah mengabaikan apa yang ada di depan mata.

Kuman di lautan nampak, gajah depan mata tak nampak. Kera di hutan disusukan, anak di rumah mati kelaparan.

Jesus berkata, "Why is it the speck in your brother's eye do you see, but the boulder inn yours you are blind to?"

Dan jangan cepat melatah. Berbunyi guruh di langit, air dalam tempayan dicurahkan.

Ingat BlackBolt. Ingat apa Optimus Prime akan buat.

Relaks. Bertenang.

Jika situasi yang tidak diingini menjelang muncul, jangan gerun. Jangan takut. Dari taik pun akan tumbuh sesuatu yang cantik - Joe's Apartment.

Ada banyak pilihan dan ada banyak jalan dalam dunia ni. Tanpa emosi, tanpa ego, pilih jalan yang akan bawa apa yang kau hendak selama ini.

Tapi, untuk itu, kau perlu tahu apa yang kau hendak.

Jangan lawan. Pasal apa yang kita lawan akan menjadi lebih besar. Lebih kuat.

Kau gentel 'masalah' kau, masalah tu akan jadi lebih besar. Jangan gentel. Cari penyelesaian. 

Pastinya, dunia yang jahanam akan membuka topengnya.

Kitab Hikmat

Dulu aku baca komik-komik terjemahan dari Hong Kong.

Pedang Setiawan, Pendekar Laut, Raja Rimba, Wira Tunggal, Alam Perwira etc.

Ada beberapa perkara yang aku tak boleh lupakan dalam komik-komik terjemahan ini. 

Antaranya:

1. Sepandai-pandai ahli kung fu melompat

Dalam Lingkaran Terkunci, tak silap aku, ada satu watak yang jatuh dalam lubang, dan terjumpa kitab hikmat dan juga beruk-beruk yang tahu berkungfu.

Rupa-rupanya, berpuluh tahun yang lepas, ada seorang ahli kung fu yang power nak mampus. Paling power dalam dunia. Boleh lawan seribu orang sendirian. Boleh berdiri atas daun buluh.

Lepas tu, jatuh lubang, patah kaki.

Aku gelak macam nak mampus.

Power gila, tapi jatuh lubang, patah kaki?

Dia lah yang menulis kitab hikmat tu dan mengajar beruk berkung fu, akhirnya dijumpai oleh watak utama tadi.

2. Hikmat Memetik Bintang

Hikmat paling power dalam Lingkaran Terkunci. Asal usul hikmat ini ialah ada seorang pendita yang bertapa atas bukit, sambil menikmati keindahan malam.

Tiba-tiba, dia lapar. Lalu terus dia memetik bintang lepas tu MAKAN. 

Makan, beb! Makan bintang!

Lepas tu, perut dia keluar bucu-bucu tajam. Pasal bintang yang dia makan tu, ada segi macam bintang yang dilukis dek budak sekolah.

3. Dialog paling tiba-tiba dalam dunia

Mungkin prihatin kepada cadangan pembacanya, komik Pendekar Laut pernah cuba menggunakan bahasa slanga dalam terbitannya.

Hasilnya adalah Penjejak Neraka - satu watak berusia 40-an yang suka bercakap seolah-olah umurnya 17.

Tengah sedap-sedap berlawan, Penjejak Neraka telah berkata:

"Cayalah!"

Sekolah aku gamat selama tiga minggu pasal ayat yang paling tiba-tiba dalam dunia.

4. Watak sepandang layang

Ada beberapa watak dalam komik yang hanya muncul dalam satu isu, satu mukasurat mahupun satu panel sahaja.

Antaranya: Sirius Tamak (Senjata Misteri - satu mukasurat), Pedang Sakti (Pendekar Laut - satu isu), Lanun Cemeh (Parang Gila - dua panel), Tom, Pemandu Kereta Lily (Raja Rimba - setengah isu)

5. Sang Elektron Lawan Semua Orang

Sang Elektron ialah watak kegemaran aku. Pasal dia lawan SEMUA watak dalam komik Pendekar Laut, serentak.

Sang Elektron merupakan asas asal templat untuk watak aku di Internet.

Menggunakan Emo-Fu beliau, Sang Elektron hampir berjaya membunuh SEMUA watak lain, kalau tidak disebabkan Orga - si bodoh.

6. Watak Paling Dibenci

Hitomi dan Orga (bukan patutnya Orca ke?). Paling kuat pada satu masa, tapi bodoh nak mampus.

7. Kejadian Gay 

Dalam Wira Tunggal, ada satu watak lelaki (Penelan Langit ke hapa entah) yang minat kat Tornado - juga seorang lelaki. Gila gay!

8. Nama-Nama Hikmat Pedang Salji

Selain Jalan Syurga Tidak Terbatas (Juara Wira), nama-nama jurus paling aku suka adalah nama-nama jurus Hikmat Pedang Salji.

1. Kesejukan Sepandang Layang

- tetak pakai imej pedang yang menjadi besar - untuk melawan ramai orang sekaligus.

2. Terbentuk Ais Tiga Kaki

- jurus pertahanan

3. Entah

4. Entah

5. Teratai Merah Terlantar Di Luar Pagar

- Jurus yang paling ganas, dicipta oleh Yan Wang (bapak Lip Fung/Nie Feng/Penjejak Badai) setelah mendapat tahu bininya memasukkan konek Po Jun ke dalam dubur.

6. Blablabla Buah Pic

- Jurus yang lembut pada zahirnya, tetapi amat berat.

7. Entah

8. Entah

9. Sejuk Mata Pedang, Dingin Hati

- Kalau ikut gambar, takde pedang pun. Pakai sarung je. Tak pernah ditunjukkan pasal power sangat.

Hikmat Pedang Tanpa Nama pun ok jugak.

Ada jurus ni:

Kesedihan Tidak Terperi

Yang dijawab dengan jurus Pedang Fajar: Kegeraman Terbuku di Hati. Pasal Penjejak Awan (Gong Bo Wan/Bong Go Wan/Bo Gong Wan) emo, dia boleh buat jurus Kesedihan Tidak Terperi. Pedang Fajar tak boleh, pasal dia punk. Jadi dia pun buatlah jurus Kegeraman Terbuku di Hati. Pasal dia geram.

Jurus yang aku boleh praktikkan dalam dunia sebenar ialah Monyet Mencuri Buah Pic.

Cara-cara: Kau tangkap telur orang, pastu ko picit sampai dia mampus.

Itulah jurus Monyet Mencuri Buah Pic.

Dongak Langit

Aku dah makin tinggal seorang.

Member-member aku yang anti-politik, anti-agama, anti-hadis, anti-TV, anti-apa-saja-yang-boleh-di-anti ramai dah berambus.

Yang tinggal kat Malaysia ni, cuma yang suka jerit-jerit. Macam beruk. Siamang gagap.

Semua benda nak main jerit-jerit.

Member aku, antara yang tinggal, dia tanya aku. Dia cerita dia gaduh dengan member-member dia.

Member aku ni Cina. Dia gaduh dengan mamat PR yang tak paham kenapa dia tak sokong PR. Suka ati la! Pastu, yang lagi best, dia gaduh dengan Melayu yang bagi maklumat salah pasal Islam.

Ko bayangkan, aaa?

Mamat Melayu Islam tu cakap, ada dua jenis Hadis: satu untuk lelaki, satu untuk perempuan.

Aishah buat hadis untuk perempuan. Yang lelaki macam Abu Hurairah R.A. etc buat hadis untuk lelaki.

Pastu, perempuan tak boleh pergi masjid. Kena baca Koran kat rumah.

Aku yang sesat ni pun garu kepala.

Yahudi mabuk mana yang ajar dia camtu?

Aku paling pantang kalau benda-benda basic yang dah belajar kat sekolah selama 11 tahun, orang tak ingat.

Kalau benda camtu yang kononnya penting untuk 'the Islams' ni boleh main bantai suka hati je, apatah lagi 2+1 = 3? Kang dia buat 2+1 = 4 kang, tak ke naya?

Tapi, mungkin jugak itu pemahaman dia. Mungkin dia Taliban. Manalah aku tau.

Member-member non-Muslim aku biasa datang kat aku pasal benda-benda bodoh yang orang Islam kasitau diorang.

Ko tanya aku buat apa? Aku pun jahanam la wei!

Adake perempuan, haram masuk masjid? Gila ke apa? 

Pastu, bebaru ni, diorang tanya aku pasal Nik Aziz.

Aku tak tau la betul ke tidak. Tapi, kononnya, masa siaran berita pukul 8 atau pukul 9, Nik Aziz ada cakap yang Kelantan adalah 'tempat turun wahyu'.

Aku tak tau apa nak jawab. Entah betul, entah tidak.

Ni la akibatnya bodoh piang. Agama sendiri tak reti nak jaga. Orang lain pakat gelakkan ko, marah. Keluar bom la, parang la.

Betul-betul serupa beruk la. Pastu dah jahanam, nak suruh aku yang suspek ahli neraka ni nak betulkan imej yang kena cemar? Takde kerja aku!

Bukannya takde mamat Islams yang ok.

Oooh, kapir kanan, kapir kiri. Sapa lantik ko jadi Tuhan nak mengkapirkan orang?

Banyak cantik muka? Macam cenekoh la! Ko tau cenekah tu apa? Beruk. Beruk, tau, beruk? Ni beruk bulu itam, muka bulu putih. Macam pakai mekap bersanding. Kulit hitam, muka putih. Tu cenekoh la tu.

Ramai bebudak muda sekarang yang belakangkan agama diorang. Termasuk Islam. Ko tau pasal apa? Pasal sikap beruk-beruk ni la. Nak buat cemana? Live together, die alone, kata Lost.

Kubur lain-lain. Lepas tu apa jadi, aku tak tau la. Aku bukan spiritual sangat pun. New Age pop philosophy boleh la. Aku percaya pada Tuhan. Dan aku percaya pada sains. Dan aku ikut kata-kata pelacur Siam.

"Kalau ada syurga neraka, Tuhan yang tentukan. Jadi itu bukan hal kita. Hal kita adalah hidup sebaik mungkin."

Bagi aku, kata-kata pelacur Siam tu jauh lebih bermakna daripada mana-mana 'pakar Islam' yang insecure dan righteous nak mampus. Nak letak pesakit AIDS kat pulau la. Nak tangkap orang khalwat pasal nak tengok tetek la. Tetek halal. Sering cuba nak buktikan orang lain salah. Pasal stim kot. Atau pasal dia bodoh.

Kita ni, manusia, bukannya betul sangat. Kalau manusia dah banyak salahnya, apatah lagi kalau beruk? Aku ni, manusia, jadi banyak salahnya. Mungkin masuk neraka. Pedulittaik aku? Bukannya hal aku. Itu urusan Tuhan. Bukan urusan aku, bukan Urusan Seri Paduka Baginda yang ada tertampal kat sampul-sampul surat kerajaan.

Tapi aku cantik. Muka aku tak macam cenekah. Dan aku bersyukur aku bukan beruk yang suka mengkafirkan orang.

Lagenda Adinda

Adinda Evans kononnya adalah seorang gadis Melayu beragama Islam (walaupun Evans) berumur 13 tahun yang mengumumkan kepada khalayak yang dia bukan dara lagi, pasal "aku dah maen".

Ramai gila orang Melayu pergi kat blog dia, bagi 'nasihat'. Dan bila orang Melayu kat Internet bagi 'nasihat', rupanya begini:

MelayuA: Ko tak malu ke, kat mak bapak ko, jiran ko? Muka huduh! Ketiak hitam! Oi Budak! nak maen?

- Ni jenis MelayuA, atau Melayu Alpha. Jenisnya adalah mamat atau minah yang suka highlight kesalahan orang lain, biasanya dengan mengutuk dan menghina bahagian badan seperti ketiak, perut dan burit orang. Pasal ketiak mereka putih dan bila berpeluh, keluar mascarpone cheese, perut mereka flat sampai boleh digunakan sebagai timbang air dan burit mereka pulak suci lagi harum, dengan haruman sorga.

Mereka juga akan mempromosi konsep malu kepada orang dan agama berTuhankan seorang tuhan baru - 'orang lain'. Bagi mereka, Jesus, Yahweh, Iehovah, Elohim dan Allah semua tak best dibandingkan 'orang lain' yang merangkumi jiran-jiran dan makcik-makcik menopause gatal tepi jalan.

MelayuB: Ini... buku/filem/wrestling ke ni?

- Ni jenis MelayuB, atau MelayuBodoh. Melayu jenis ni amat self-conscious pasal kebodohan diri sendiri.

Melayu jenis ni akan melaungkan sekuat-kuatnya, berkali-kali, bagaimana dia tahu yang wrestling WWE tu tipu, dan dia faham bagaimana trik kamera dibuat dalam membuat kesan khas filem.

"Ala, ini dia buang wayar je ni. Dia pakai eraser."

"Kalau dia pukul betul-betul, berdarah tu. Ini TAK LEBAM PUN!"

MelayuB tahu mereka Bodoh, tapi amat berharap takde sapa perasan. Bro, semua orang tahu la, mak kau siamang.

MelayuC: Oooh Oooh Oooh Ahhh Ahhh AHh!

- MelayuC bukan Melayu. Bukan manusia pun. MelayuC adalah Cenekoh.

Dogs Of War

"I am his Highness' dog at Kew. Pray tell me, sir - whose dog are you?" - Alexander Pope, on the collar of a dog.

People always want something from you. Sometimes, it is something innocent, like a smile, or some company. Most of the time, though, it is darker things. Money, power, control, a means to feed their ego.

I am constantly attuned to the darkness in human hearts. I have gazed on their evil and the blackness void that is their soul for far too long that I don't shy away from it anymore.

Some... wiser men have advised me that I was being paranoid, that people are not that evil. These wise men kept on getting screwed over and sabotaged by the evil people they dared to trust.

And yet, the biggest mistake would be to allow yourself to be consumed by the darkness. These evil things wish to make a dog of you, so you make a dog of them.

Lay traps. And then lie in wait. Of course, there are no traps. I simply say that to mess with the evil people. I am not that capable. My connections don't run that deep or go that high.

Nope. The only recourse is to stop playing.

The world dances to whatever tune you tell it to. Our minds hold such power in freedom. I had strings but now I'm free. There are no strings on me.