Intermission : Crux

I take a break from everything to just sit down and take stock.

Things are moving. The universe is turning, and I find myself in some of the cogs, feeling the rotation.

In this pivot point, it is imperative that I remain open. My sights are clear.

I do not trust people, but I am surprised - pleasantly - at the kind of support I am getting. I know that the road ahead of me is rocky and filled with potholes, not to mention sand-sharks, but it is nice to see that not all battles are uphill.

In this transitional period - or in any period, period - I must remember to never be evil. I am the Lord of Destruction, and I know very well that within all types of evil lay all manner of seeds - the seeds of destruction.

I was insecure about my intelligence, so I observed what is smart and what is stupid. Evil is never smart, because it always gets back at you. Evil is something that traps everything in a whirlpool of despair.

And I do not believe that we are great because of machines, tools or how we say that we are great. To be the greatest, you simply be the greatest. To be the best, you be the best.

A lot of people are afraid. Afraid of failing, afraid of being laughed at, of being rejected.

I stand here, a reject. A failure. I have failed at everything, I have been rejected by everyone. Laughed at, sometimes by 'friends'. Is there anything else left for any of you humans to do?

You are afraid of being measured, and coming up short? I have been measured, and I was short, long, big, thin, fat, late, early. I don't give a flying fuck.

My God is not mortal. I do not worship mankind or the voices of others. I will go forward, with or without anyone or anything. I am the best simply because I decided to be the best. A long time ago. And I am not turning or even looking back because I am fucking busy.

There's no pretense or whatever the fuck. I am the best there is, the best there was, and the best there ever will be.

Daily Thoughts

Nowadays, I don't have much to say because I understand that everything will eventually follow a few set of normal endings, and I am not bothered by that anymore. In fact, I relish it, and I like being in the present.

Eventually, we all stop struggling and we die. Before that, though, let's just enjoy the ride.

Wiggle: Mental Militia

A lot of people - especially girls - come up to me and tell me they want to lose weight.

I don't think they do want to lose weight, because if they do, they would be on a treadmill or swimming or not eating high carbs.

I was actually saving this speech until I have hit my targeted weight loss of 35kg, but I am nursing a cold and I can't do work because my head feels like it's wrapped in a warm, damp towel, so against any kind of judgement, I am going to tell you how to lose weight and be fit, unless you get hit by a cold virus. Like I am right now.

The first thing you need to do is set your mental, psychological and spiritual self on the weight loss track. You need to decide, for yourself, on your own, that you want to get fit. No one will do this for you. You cannot rely on anyone but yourself.

I have a crush on a Sarawakian boy, and while he is nice and I am happy talking to him, he is not the reason for this. No matter how hot he is. 

But truth be told, things happen vice verse. Which is he's not in my to go list anymore. He did beg for me to put him back in the list, but na-ah. Fuck you.

You must decide, on your own, for your own sake, that you want this.

A healthy living takes a long commitment. And you might just get a terminal disease anyway and die. I am having fun on this journey because I view my fat ass as a puzzle. I want to solve that puzzle by losing 35kg in two month or less.

When you go on a diet, it is not just for a few weeks or a few months. It is forever, so it must be sustainable to at least 70%. I tried before and as soon as I let go, the pounds rushed back in. This is for life, and if you can deal with that, you are ready.

Next step is information. First was the what. Second is how. I got loads of good and great advice from many people.

I went online. Wikipedia, YouTube, I spent hours researching methods and ways to set me on my path.

After I have gained enough information, I set about for execution.

Execution is always key, no matter what you do. Best idea in the world? Nothing without great execution.

I believe in my plans, and I have faith in my work. So I just follow through.

So far, I am at 89% of my goals. This is a good result, but nowhere near the 35kg I need to lose or the size of my gut I am comfortable with.

I will be a bikini model and my picture will be on billboards everywhere. And after this? Ballroom dancing.

Happiness And Despair

Yesterday, many people spoke to me of their happiness and despair.

I so wanted to reach out and tell them that despair - in fact all of sadness, ALL negativity - is the result of resistance of what is. Many people I find don't understand what 'resistance' is. It is a difficult concept to grasp, resistance or acceptance of the present moment.

Every day, I deal with things that could cause huge emotional flux and swings, as does everybody. When presented with any situation, we have a choice in what we do about it, and even, what we feel about it as well.

You don't force yourself to do anything you don't want to do. You don't do anything that feels unnatural or forced.

You don't wish for anything to be any different. Either you acknowledge the situation and take steps to do something about it, or you let it go. All other choices are superfluous and unnecessary.

Hubris

They say pride comes before the fall. I don't know who 'they' are, but those are wise words.

As the most arrogant human on earth, I can tell you that I have been watching pride and ego destroy careers, lives, industries, dictatorships, governments, administrations and ultimately, happiness.

You are never too old or too stupid to learn. And of course, never too smart.

Nobody knows everything, except perhaps Wikipedia. And yet Wikipedia has little information on comparative studies between Druid worship in Ireland and idolatry in pagan Indonesia. I found a journal with that exact information at a different site.

Hubris, arrogance, an inflation of the ego, all comes from a deflated ego. The ego constantly tries to do only one thing - survive. It survives only by fortifying its existence. A deflated ego is a weak ego and the natural gut reaction is to expand that ego.

This is the reason why people do evil, mean things. This is why we have bullies. This is why most people do anything. Insecurities.

The biggest bullies are the most insecure people, trying to find something they can be proud of, while at the same time convinced, subconsciously, that they have nothing they can take pride in.

People naturally hate themselves. I believe the reason is they do not know themselves and are merely lashing out at the thing that is pretending to be them - the ego.

The ego pretends to be you and then decides some 'truths' or some labels to be yours. Anything that tries to put it in any other way, is something to be feared and rejected.

If you fear death, if you fear destruction, if you fear failure, or anything, that is not you. 

That is your ego pretending to be you.

RelationSHIT

The thing that turns me off from any boy, is the world they come from. This book is full of boys.

You see, no person stands alone. They always come from some sort of group or families, friends, whatever. Having a relationship exclusively with one person is an ideal which is difficult to achieve. And I hate that.

You have to look at social dynamics and politics and whatever the fuck. Look at a lot of boys who parade their couples around to advertise how their dicks managed to attract vaginas. Men and their trophy wives to prove their virility and as a sign of success. It's all politics. Too tiring. Too complicated.

This is why wrestling works. The stories are simple. Two men (or women) enter the ring. One good, one bad. They fight, and one leaves as the victor. A story you could sell many times over, across many boundaries - geographical, racial, social, economical. And it works every damn time.

Most people, I believe, look at relationships and evaluate how that would upgrade or downgrade their social or political standing. Love is a campaign slogan. Marriage, a corporate merger. It's all about the spin. It's all about image.

Is it wrong? I don't give a shit. I'm trying to write a story. About relationships. And how corrupted they are. But all I have to say, I have already said it before. There is nothing new.

I think I have to think of a new story. Something fresh and exciting. I can still use what I've written, but in a different format, with a different goal.

Survival Of Newspapers

Everyone who have ever predicted anything about the death or survival of newspapers have been wrong.

Newspapers did not die in 2001, after some people did a video and shared it online. Meanwhile those who believe things will never change have seen the downsizing of Fairfax Media in Australia and the hundreds of newspapers closing around the world.

My generation has always been cursed with overseeing the extremely chaotic transitional periods. Periods of verwirrung before ordnung. War before order.

I have always believed that these pivotal moments will be filled with instances of heroism, valor and cruelty. Unfortunately, all I have seen so far have been mostly about fear. Fear of the unknown, blablabla, blablabla.

I'll be the first to admit that I don't know what will happen. I do know that things will change, as they have always been since the creation of the universe. Journalism will take another form. Idiots will still rule the world, and smart people like me will find refuge somewhere amidst a storm of stupidity.

Ah, fuck it. I got lots to do. I am suspending my House of M series, until something interesting happens, like the real death of newspapers, if it ever happens in my lifetime.

Fuck all this shit.

Ah, by the way I planned on changing fonts to smaller like this (on how you read now). Tell me if I should change it back to normal.

Monster In Me

My thoughts are dark.
My soul is pitch black.
I don't want your sympathy.
I wanna feel your breath leave,
Your lungs collapse.
I wanna know that I won.

These thoughts are consuming,
I let them stay.
The anger it brings, the rage,
It doesn't make me feel so guilty

When I rip out your heart.

I'm no longer numb

The monster in me is about to come out.

I'm the girl you were never warned of.

Your staring eyes will forever be mine.

You won't forget me.






Watch out,my dear.

I will get you.





You won't escape.

Empathy, Compassion and Thai Prostitutes

Hi, kids! Today's lesson is about compassion and empathy.

There is sadly no Bahasa Malaysia word for empathy. The Kamus Dewan Inggeris Melayu lists empathy as 'empati'. Meanwhile, compassion is merely listed as 'belas kasihan', which is a totally different thing.

Meanwhile, the Chinese word for it is 'Ci bei (see bay)' which seems like 'cibai' or vagina.

Is this why Malaysians are so heartless?

I dunno.

What I do know are Thai prostitutes. I love talking about Thai prostitutes as I find them smarter and more pleasant than the average Malaysian. Most of this boils down to high EQ demonstrated with an abundance of compassion and empathy.

Thai prostitutes also demonstrate a lot of social or communal perspective.

I often goaded and prodded them into talking about their country and how to make it better. A social experiment, you see.

A lot of them say, "In order for Thailand to become a developed nation, I hope prices of food would go up."

I was perplexed. Isn't one dollar for a gallon of soda the hallmark of a well-developed country? Isn't obesity the sign of a prosperous people?

The Thai Prostitutes explained that they are the daughters of poor Thai farmers. And yet they sell their bodies to mostly farmers from France, Germany, the UK, Australia and other countries.

"Why is it that farmers in Europe make so much more money than farmers in Thailand?"

These Thai hookers are so much aware of their society, that I sometimes feel ashamed. They have empathy and compassion. When I talk to most Malaysians about these things, they either don't understand the meaning of the words, laugh at me because I was being 'uncool', or simply go climb back up a tree and start flinging shit all over the place.

Shitty But A Bit Better

The ego compels people to do stupid things. It compels them to do evil, due to their insecurities and poisoned mind. I have seen them all. I know what I'm up against, and if I take a confrontational stand, it will only serve to get the ego bigger.

No matter what the religion - Islam, Christianity, Hinduism, (fake) Malaysian Buddhism, liberalism, education - everyone has failed to understand their own faiths and beliefs, which all shout a united chorus of setting aside such stupid things as the ego.

Unfortunately, we live in a world of idiots who are trapped with defining their self-image when that is a fool's errand.

Sometimes I wish I would be run over by a car and just die, because existing with these dumbass motherfuckers is worse than being eaten by worms.

How To Dance Properly

Good Riddance 2014!

Well, here we are now. 2015. Good riddance to 2014.
Fuck off 2014. 
What a lousy year.