Notes On The Run

Lots of idiots were shocked when I offered the view that we are all insignificant. That I am insignificant - that you are insignificant - that everyone is fucking insignificant.

They see this as some sort of depression, when this thinking is one of those things that got me out of depression.

They don't understand it. Because they are undoubtedly idiots.

When you remove your 'self' from the equation, you will be able to see things more clearly. You will be able to feel real emotion without the constraints of the ego, without identification with the self. I have seen so many smart people fall prey to arrogance and the ego. Scratch that. In doing so, they are no longer smart - but idiots like the rest of them.

These past few years, I have been experimenting by tapping into my natural tools such as my drive, my energy and my sense of urgency while retaining my sanity and clarity of mind. The clarity comes realising that I do not matter. That I am nothing. But in order for me to get some things, I have to do certain actions and display certain ... traits.

For example, in order for you to get service at a restaurant, you need to increase your visibility and presence. While talking to people, you need to be empathic and become a receptacle to their thoughts and ideas. In order for you to talk, you need to listen, blablabla.

So anyway, I have found my peace and my solace by removing my presence and my killing instinct entirely. What is outside of my being exists as it is. I sometimes see myself doing things. In the past, whenever I do stupid things, I could sense and see it, but I could not do anything about it. It's like having a dream, watching this idiot stumble through life. That idiot being me.

Through meditation, breathing exercises and mental practices, I have managed to slow the perceived response time between action and thought. It's still not complete - I'll always be a work in progress - but I have seen some improvements.

The more I practice this and the more I make mistakes, I seem to become calmer. It is possible today, to be excited and calm at the same time - if that means anything.

Anyway, I finished a few things tonight and will wake up tomorrow hopefully refreshed enough to tackle the challenges and the Herculean tasks I have set for myself and my team.

Mortal Kombat

Fuck, man. I was sick for two whole fucking weeks.

The flu got me the first week, but I kept on going for class anyway. 

It used to be, I would recover from a flu in a matter of hours. This time, though, after I completed a hellish hibernation session, I got even worse. I'm too weak for this shit.

I went home and my temperature just shot up. I was worried that I got dengue, the remnants of a PSA on RTM lingered in my mind. Fever that comes and goes, for longer than two weeks, and all that.

If I had dengue, it would decrease my platelet count. Dengue could kill me.

The only thing that worked was lots of rest. I spent two days mostly asleep, and felt better each time.

Work looms like a spectre.

I hope the bloody flu stays away. Like, forever.

Anyway, I think I'm good to go. Bring it on.

Meditation

Some friends have been asking me about my meditation techniques, perhaps wanting to hear that I worship the Roman snake God Glycon or that I use it to teleport to the kitchen to fix myself a snack.

My take on this is simple.

I start breathing, and I start being aware of my breathing. Not forced, not long, dramatic inhalations, just normal, regular breathing.

I make myself aware of my mind, which is always active. This mind of mine kept me awake with insomnia for few months. I slept at the most three hours a day.

My mind works in the way that it looks at available information, establish scenarios and then simulate as well as extrapolate what will happen and what steps will be taken in days, weeks, months, years.

I take information very seriously and those who lie to me simply have cluttered my brain, so I mark them as undesirables and place them in boxes labeled 'REJECTS'.

I have blacklisted a lot of conmen this way.

People who lie to me are simply trying to pollute and poison my mind with misinformation. It screws up my calculations.

So anyway, when I meditate, I accept my hyperactive mind. And I shift my focus to my breathing, the things that I touch, that I see or hear. I focus on the thing and the experiences without labelling them. They eventually become something other than what their names are.

Once in a while, I would think about people, but people are irrelevant. Each individual is wrapped by many layers of labels until you do not even see the person inside. And they will also try to plaster you with labels as well.

This is called judgment. Jesus said, "Judge ye not, motherfuckers!"

When you come to a point when all you focus on is what you are experiencing at the present moment, you no longer worry about the future, about people and recognise all drama as what they are - a resistance to the present compelled by obsessive labelling.

If you resist the present, you resist reality. There is a name for this condition - insanity. This is why I find most people delusional and crazy. Most often stupid.

Trapped in their little world, while those who suffer try to inflict their suffering, their pain on others. The righteous ones try to push their righteousness down people's throats, insecure of their own truths - whether they are right or wrong.

Insignificant. Irrelevant.

What is relevant is now. And right now, I am typing without wearing pants.

Malay Malaise

Aku pergi lepak dengan bebudak sekolah aku tadi. Boleh jugaklah masuk, dan aku takdelah berbulu telinga. Kira okaylah.

Topik perbincangan pun banyak, bukan sepesen je. Aku rasa antara sebabnya, diorang semua dah tua kot.

Cakap dengan Melayu ni, kadang-kadang aku rasa nak muntah. Ada masanya, kalau aku bercakap dengan sesetengah Melayu, aku rasa macam aku bercakap dengan beruk. 

Ini judgment akulah. Aku tak salahkan sesiapa. Sapa suruh aku bercakap dengan beruk, ye dak?

Antara benda yang beruk-beruk pernah cakap dengan aku:

1. "Dia sebenarnya anak orang kaya, fifa."

Pertama sekali, persepsi kekayaan orang Melayu amat menghiburkan aku. Bagi diorang, net worth a few hundred thousand, kaya.

Kalau seluruh harta benda ko nilai dia a few hundred thousand, ko tak kaya. Ko senang. Kaya adalah duit ko bahagi semua tanggungan ko. Kalau hasilnya masih lebih sejuta, ko kaya.

Aku? Aku miskin. Hahahaha.

Kedua, kalau orang tu kaya, baguslah. Ko nak segan buat apa? Apa, ko ingat kalau kau bersopan dan pergi hisap jubur taik orang kaya, dia bagi ko dua ringgit? Sebab ni aku cakap mentaliti sesetengah Melayu, mentaliti binatang.

Ketiga, kekayaan seseorang bukanlah sesuatu yang meletakkannya lebih tinggi atau rendah daripada orang lain. Malah, konsep tinggi rendah ini adalah berlandaskan ego.

Orang kaya ke, orang miskin ke, kalau mati, mati juga. Toksah nak berlagak la.

Keempat, kalau setakat anak orang kaya, so? Bapak atau mak dia yang berusaha gigih untuk jadi kaya. Dia belum tentu.

Ya, aku memang seksa sikit anak orang kaya, bukan pasal ego aku, tapi aku nak imbangkan keadaan. Anak orang kaya biasa tak pernah hidup susah, kena kerah. Jadi, aku cuba imbangkan keadaan.

2. "Dia hati busuk, tapi dia lawa."

Kalau bukan harta, Melayu memandang paras rupa untuk memanjangkan agenda egotistikal. 

Sesetengah Melayu jenis binatang, memikirkan kalau seseorang tu lawa/cantik, maka dia mempunyai lesen untuk buat apa saja, pasal Melayu jenis binatang amat shallow.

3. "Aku nak kena rogol, lepas tu kena pukul, sebagai hamba abdi, supaya aku boleh masuk syurga."

Ini khusus untuk Melayu betina. Sesetengahnya bercita-cita untuk menjadi hamba abdi. Obedient Wives Club bukanlah satu benda yang unik, malah mewakili mentaliti binatang sesetengah Melayu betina.

Jenis Melayu betina ini semuanya pemalas, dan meletakkan semua tanggungjawab atas bahu Melayu jantan. Sebagai galang gantinya, mereka rela diperlakukan seperti anjing dan beruk, juga hamba abdi zaman Rom.

Kesimpulan:

Pergi mampus apa orang nak cakap/fikir. Aku pedulitaik?